The invisible struggle of Panic Attacks : I experience death a little bit every time
How do we preview a day before we start living it? From getting up in the morning and going to bed at night, we assume an average life. Breakfast, work, lunch, a mid-day break, work again, and in the evening, we are off to our ‘assumed life’ till we get ready for bed. How amazing yet boring for some it can be? But for some, it would be one of the nicest and calmest days they ever want. No one wants any struggles in between, even though our work seems to be a pain in our heads, but that is another story. I am talking about the unwanted immense fear that engulfs some of us because of some of our triggering points, sometimes even out of nowhere.
What would you feel when you are just having a typical day and something extremely unusual happens? PANIC!!! FEAR!!! Or just be strong to face it and solve it. What would happen even if we do not have enough courage of the thought of facing it? Anyone may think, ‘We are that WEAK!! ‘
Talking about weakness, what about triggers that specific people possess. Don’t the triggers make them weak? Or is it the weakness that makes them triggered? After all, we are humans. We tend to fall into some things that are unusual yet so out of our control. We do not invite it, and the thought of it is so enough to make us tremble.
Yes!! I am talking about my panic disorder and all the panic attacks I go through on a weekly or even daily basis. In these 25 years of life, I have put myself down in so many ways with negative emotions like fear, hesitation, sadness, depression, unhappiness, and whatnot. These are the main factors that fed my panic disorder to finally act when I was 23 years old. And it just did not happen smoothly; it hit like a truck, and on that day, I really felt like DYING. And in the worst place possible!! I experienced it at my university when I had no friends around and no one to help. I could feel my whole body going numb so slowly, and I could not breathe or walk properly, but somehow, I went to the female lounge. I wear hijab(Muslim head cover), and I remember taking it off quickly and grabbing my hair so tightly that it caused my head to throb pain like I never experienced before. I did not know how to come home immediately and only wanted to see my mother. I had a thought that I wanted to see my mother’s face before I die.
I have a weird fear, which is the fear of ADMITTING things. Does not matter if it is good or bad, I just can not seem to admit it anyhow to anyone. I told my near students that I was feeling bad to bring me water. It was okay till then, but when I understood that I was also having another physical issue, which is acidity(linked with panic attacks), I told them to bring me medicine. They simply denied even after watching me in the worst state possible.
The physical experience was horrifying to tolerate. I was experiencing heart palpitations, heart pain, throbbing pain in my head, hand and legs shaking, speech problems, a sudden urge to use the bathroom very badly, and a few that I do not remember now. I was constantly afraid if I fainted here, who was going to help me? There was no one who knew me where I was. And the thought that I was maybe dying lingered the whole time. I could not process any situation then, just sitting quietly, experiencing the storm inside me. I assumed I was having a stroke or my blood pressure went so high. I had no energy left to go to the university pharmacy for a simple check-up. And as I said, my brain literally stopped working, and I was just thinking of death.
Can you imagine how long this experience lasted? 5 hours!!! All I could do was to sit quietly and let my body feel the destructive feeling it was creating. I contacted my mother but did not tell her the situation. Our car was occupied by my father, and I could only wait. I got home after almost 3 hours of that attack. It was still there. When I got home, it was almost Maghrib prayer time(Muslim evening prayer time). When I prayed, I remember that I cried in the worst manner possible, saying one prayer to Allah almighty again and again: ‘I am not ready to go to you yet, Allah, please do not take me.’ A girl who rarely cries cried at the prayer mat at prayer time cause the experience was that much horrifying.
This was my first and worst panic attack till now. However, the attacks continued to come. Started every week, and till a few weeks ago, I was facing it on a daily basis. Sometimes, 3/4 times a day. Until I began to seek professional help, I was in the destructive mode of my panic disorder. Every time, it felt like I was dying. No one ever cared, even after telling my loved ones, medical doctors, and friends. I understand why cause the reason is no one can actually comprehend the feeling of dying so quickly unless severely sick or for some other extreme reasons. But it was still disheartening to not get any support or comfort.
I eventually thought this was my life living with panic disorder cause I was super afraid of going to therapy, and I had to live this way. But the physical discomfort, pain, and mental burden were intolerable at some point. Feeling like dying isn’t really a great feeling to deal with daily. And at last, taking help was the last option as it could almost put me into hospital because of the negligence I have been doing to myself for nearly 1.5 years of struggling. The decision of taking help wasn’t easy and was not really a smooth choice (A story for another day). But now, after opening up, after taking help, and learning valuable instructions, I can say finally, by the immense grace of Allah SWT, I am recovering from this devastating experience.
I am still recovering from these things, and it may take significant time to transition into a safe position in myself. Till then, be happy and take care.
I will post the next chapter of my experience soon.
